Silence is Olden.

I recently flew from Hong Kong to Vancouver, and not once in the entire flight was a single word exchanged with the passenger (a male banker type) sitting inches from my right elbow.
In YVR I connected straight through to Montreal and found myself again seated next to the same guy. This time we managed a silent nod of recognition before climbing back into our “road warrior” cocoons for a further five hours of studied silence.

Misanthropic? Not really. That’s just the way “the professionals” do it. In fact, in First and Business Class cabins it is the expected code of conduct. Not so however in the back of the bus, where, horror of horrors, complete strangers frequently have the temerity to actually try and engage one in conversation.

So, to retain their fifth amendment rights, the rapidly growing band of business travelers just discovering that there are actually seats behind that curtain, are also going to have to learn a whole new set of survival skills.

First, know your enemy. An in-flight verbal assailant’s opening gambit will vary greatly depending on their country of origin. For example, the standard American approach tends to follow Homeland Security's Interrogation 101 Manual with lines such as “Where are you from?” “Where are you going and why?” and “What do you do for a living?” If you really hit it off however "When did you stop beating your wife?" is likely seconds away.

Brits on the other hand, tend to be more “chatty”. A typical opener may be something like, “Oooh, wasn’t it ‘ot in that airport?” or “I can’t wait to see how much my grandkids have grown this week. Did I show you their photo’s?”

Building an impregnable repertoire of interactive foils for such “chat-astrophes” will greatly enhance the travel experience.

Technology has helped greatly, with the ubiquitous i-Pod and seatback videos, both great ways to simultaneously tune-in and tune-out. Feigning sleep as soon as you sit down also works well, but can be a problem if you’d planned to work, read or eat.

If you subscribe to the best means of defense being attack, a good reply to “So, what do you do?” is always, “Glad you asked. I sell life insurance, and I bet you could use some additional coverage?” Just be sure your inquisitor isn’t a genuine insurance person or this one can backfire badly!

One friend of mine swears by the in-flight "chat-free zone" that results from consuming a garlic-laden pre-flight meal. He claims it works every time - everywhere that is except on Alitalia.

Another highly effective, if more dramatic, ploy is to make a few sudden violent twitches of the head and shoulders, then appear to quickly swallow a few pills – M&Ms will suffice. In fact if you fancy a bit more elbow room, try following the feigned seizure with a huge, carnivorous grin at the people next to you. A three-across sleeper seat is guaranteed!

If all else fails, then I suppose you could of course actually try conversing with your next-seat-neighbor, and who knows, you may even be surprised as to how much faster the time will pass.

But, where’s the challenge in that?

"UNEXPURGATED"

"Unexpurgated" is an adjective that has fallen into relative disuse, but, lest you haven't seen it in a while, it quite simply means "uncut", "uncensored" or "without any lip-sticking or perfuming of the pig".   

As anyone who knows me will readily confirm, I like words a lot. So why use mundane expressions like "the whole truth" when you can cover it with a wonderful word like unexpurgated?

It is my intent to use this blog for the therapeutic purpose of putting my unexpurgated thoughts into words. I will be doing this strictly on the basis that this cathartic process makes me feel a lot better for getting it (whatever "it" might be on any given day) out of my system. 

The chances are I may be writing to myself, and that's fine. If however anyone out there happens to tune in and read my meandering musings, then please note that I will be standing by the wording of a disclaimer I once saw behind the check-in desk of a hotel in Benidorm, Spain. There for all to see, in a wooden frame, were the words;

 "The Management Will Not Accept Responsibility For Anything That Might Occur." 

In the spirit of that sign, I will be happy to accept "observations" but "complaints" will not be tolerated.

So, as long as we have that clear, please read on....